The Simplest Truth

Tonight I want to take my baby to Main Street and watch her dance to the music and lights.  I don't want to think about the hurt that others are feeling in a state not so far away.  I have turned off the tv and the news alerts,  I know enough.  Twenty Mamas have empty arms while mine are full of toddler hugs and messy kisses.  I find that unlike tragedies of the past this one has caused me to stop and cry all day long.   I can't not think about it,  I keep praying for those but yet I don't really know what to pray for them. Peace, Comfort, Understanding, Wisdom? I don't know what you say or what you pray for those who have a loss like this.  But I have found myself praying these words,  Dear Jesus, be near.   be near to those mamas, be near to the daddies,  be near to the teachers,  be near to the kids,  LORD, be near.  

I have always loved Christmas and all of the activities that go along with the season. My Mama heart almost exploded tonight as I watched Lillie fall in love with Christmas.  Tonight we went to eat downtown on Main Street.  Christmas festivities were in full swing and we thought that Lillie would enjoy all of the lights.  We walked through Santa's village before dinner and then afterwards stood in the square in front of the giant lit tree.  The lights on and around the tree are synced with music and Lillie was in awe.  We were listening to "Oh Holy Night" when suddenly she was singing with all of her might right along with the choir.  I felt my eyes tearing up as I watched the complete and total abandonment in which she sang and the wonderment that filled her entire face.  When the song was over she looked at me and said "more" then she wiggled out of my arms and danced in a little circle.   I have a feeling that this Christmas is going to be full of all kinds of magic.

"The purpose of life is to live it, to taste experience to the utmost, to reach out eagerly and without fear for newer and richer experience.” ― Eleanor Roosevelt

 Even though I am home most of the time with her Sunday morning was one of those rare mornings when the phone was put away and all of our obligations were hours later in the day.   I will treasure that time of just chatting and being with my little toddler.  I came home to a sink full of breakfast dishes but it was worth every moment.


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A few weeks ago we made the decision to make an effort to be regular church attenders again.  You see, we had a baby and we have never left that baby in the nursery.  She loves the praise and worship but once the preaching started she was done and I spent the majority of the service in the nursing room.  Then she outgrew that,  I knew that it was time for the nursery when I had her in the nursing room and she yelled hi at every person walking past the two way mirror.  She was so loud that a  friend in the service heard her and recognized her without knowing we were at that service. So we took her to the nursery where she saw her friends and had a great time and for the first time in over 6 years I worshipped without the distraction of a baby or the longing for a baby.

 I don't know that I have truly every put into words how my infertility affected my spiritual life,  how it caused me to spend every moment worshipping with tears running down my face.  How I felt angry, hopeful and devastated all at the same time.  How I cried out for answers but begged to trust in His timing.  How I couldn't really dream or pray for direction because this big unanswered prayer loomed between me and God.    I don't think I have articulated it because I didn't realize it was there until it was gone.  I know now that I am different and it was that grieving that caused my heart to change.

Now that I am coming out of my first year as a parent I am starting to dream a little and voice some of my other desires.   Because of my infertility I know that whatever He has planned it will truly be HIS best for me.  I stood in service the other day feeling like I had finally got it,  that he used that big answered prayer to teach me a little more about Him.  To show me that true contentment isn't in having all the answers its in knowing that HE has the answers and I am just along for the ride and that the little bit of Hope that I always had was enough to sustain me. I don't plan on Him always answering my prayers in the way that I want but I am excited now for the future and for what I will learn and for the chance to come to him with new desires and new requests.  

Jeremiah 29:11

  

One of my favorite bloggers,  Sarah Bessey is hosting a synchroblog today answering the question "What is saving your life right now?"

I have been thinking about this since reading her beautiful post on nursing her sweet baby girl who is only a week or two younger than LL.

Remembering to take the time to dance is saving me these days when the work load is heavy and sleep is rare. Dancing with my sweet Lillie reminds me to not take myself so serious,  to stop and play,  to remember that she comes before the phone, the emails and the endless household chores.    Like most little girls I took dance lessons and I spent my early 20s dancing well into the night but I have never claimed to be a good dancer. In fact my inability to keep the beat while clapping is a running joke with me and B.  But Lillie Louise doesn't care about my dance skills she just wants me to join her in what she loves most. She feels music in every inch of her chubby body and she can't help but to dance.    She reaches up her arms and asks to spin around and around.  We dance to the Wiggles, we dance to lullabies and praise music.  We shake our booties, wave our arms and kick our feet.  We become spiders, teapots, wheels on a bus and we tie up our ears.   Sometimes in the middle of making dinner she pulls on my leg and we spin and shake before she runs back to her dolls and her toys.  When Brian comes home and she is squeezing in between our hug we all three dance around our little house.  Finally when I am breathless from the spinning and she is hiccuping from all the laughing we cuddle up and I remember to thank God for saving me with my very own Tiny Dancer.

Like the rest of the world I spend my downtime pinning to Pinterest but rarely actually making anything from all of my browsing and pinning.   But along with blogging more I am determined to actually start creating from my pins.

So my newest project is this big frame filled with my Instagram pictures.   I ordered the prints through the PostalPix App on my iPhone. It was so easy and I received the prints in just two days.


I found this giant frame at a garage sale and B spray painted it while I was pregnant.  I used it in our living room a couple of different ways but this is by far my favorite.

I used a thin silver wire from the jewelry section of Joann's and the little clothespins, I found in the wood section.    I hot glued my wire because my frame is old and I didn't want to try to use finishing nails.  Besides hot glue is faster and easier to remove.  

I love using Instagram and I loved getting prints of my pictures. I think its a fun way to document the everyday beauty in my life.  There are of course many LL pictures but there were also some that were just good memories of the everyday.  Now every time I take a picture on Instagram I immediately upload it to PostalPix.  For $10 I got 30 prints.  My plan is to place an order once a month so that I can change out the pictures.  

As a currently breastfeeding mother who identifies with Dr. Sears tenets of Attachment parenting. I have some thoughts on the recent cover of Time Magazine. I have read articles from the all sides and even the mom who posed for this picture and I have come up with a couple of points.


First of all, talk about fanning the exhausting cat fight that is the Mommy wars,  I think that being a parent is hard no matter what choices you make.  Just the title "Are you Mom enough" is begging for a battle that I just don't want to fight.  I have chosen to breastfeed,  baby wear, co-sleep and stay home with my daughter.   I didn't make these choices based only on what I wanted,  I made them on what she has needed.   I have in fact adjusted many of my expectations in order to accommodate her,  this to me is the basis of attachment parenting. This way of life works for us and I have a very healthy, social and independent child.  I receive allot of negative comments regarding some of our choices which I made in her best interest.  I would never assume that I am more of a Mother because my choices are different than my friends. I am blessed with a group of women who are all first time moms.  We are all parenting differently yet we experience so many of the same things.  Why as a society can we not all band together and support each other?  I am so happy that I have that support in real life because I don't see that in the media. 

I truly believe that most parents are doing whats best for their family.  So its not my place to say that she is damaging her child by breastfeeding until he is 3 or older.  I do think that as parents we are held accountable for what our children are exposed to,  as this article pointed out,  there is a little boy who will one day be in school who all of the world will recognize as the kid with a boob in his mouth.  So whether its right or wrong he will still be subjected to the world's thoughts on his little life. I am not appalled or disgusted by the fact this woman breast feeds her three year old but I am appalled that she would use her child to further her agenda and lets be honest Breastfeeding is her agenda. It is her son's normal and how dare she exploit that for her son.  There are many other ways that she could have communicated her thoughts and parenting styles.   For the record I think that many parents are desinsitized to protecting their children because of our current social media usage.  We have lost site of just how many people might see the pictures or read the stories of our kids.

This picture (I haven't read the actual article, I couldn't find it online)  doesn't necessarily represent how everybody practices attachment parenting.   My 13 month old mostly nurses at night and in the morning, during the day she is much too busy to sit still.  She also now sleeps in her own bed and only eats once a night.  To think that I will be nursing at 3 years old is pretty unbelievable given her current development and I would like to take a trip with my husband before 2014 so I doubt that still breastfeeding is plausible. I would say that this woman doesn't represent a majority,  or at least not with the people that I know.  Also,  I have never nursed while looking as if I was ready for a photo shoot but then again I am not a model and apparently this isn't really the model's,  Jamie Lynne Grumet,  normal either.  The photographer is quoted as saying  "I liked the idea of having the kids standing up to underline the point that this was an uncommon situation."  Grumet is also quoted as saying "I understand some of the breast-feeding advocates are actually upset about this because I feel like (the pictures) don't show the nurturing side to attachment parenting," Grumet said. "This isn't how we breast-feed at home.  Grumet also still nurses her adopted son who is 5 occasionally.  So why did she agree to this picture?  I am guessing Time magazine wants to cause a stir,  which they have now done.

All in all I am interested in reading this article.  My hope is that articles like these will spark conversations and allow women to ban together and bolster each other in one anothers mothering journeys.  However,  based on the media so far,  the title and  picture on the cover I think Time has just started another thing for Women to compare themselves and each other against.

I saw this article posted on facebook today and I made the mistake of listening to the audio.  I am literally in tears. Tears of anger that a man of God would speak with such hate and venom.  His
 homophobic thoughts and rants do not belong in the pulpit but then again he doesn't seem to have much regard for women either.  Notice how he says girls must be "beautiful,  pretty and smell good".  Even more disturbing than his thoughts are the amens heard from his congregation.  My heart hurts for these people's children and my heart hurts for my Jesus that his name is being used in this way. Below is the article posted from Advocate.com.   Go here for the audio.





The words of a homophobic North Carolina preacher are reverberating around the Internet today, following a sermon in which he advocated physically assaulting toddlers with "limp wrists."


The words of a homophobic North Carolina preacher are reverberating around the Internet today, following a sermon in which he advocated physically assaulting toddlers with "limp wrists."

Sean Harris (pictured, left), the senior pastor at Berean Baptist Church in Fayetteville, is a strong supporter of North Carolina's proposed antigay Amendment One. In Sunday's sermon, Harris screams like a maniac about cracking limp wrists and punching young children who exhibit gender-variant behavior. Girls playing sports are OK, but they must attempt to look pretty, according to Harris. Listen to the audio, obtained by GoodAsYou.org.

Over the weekend there was a comment made about some undone chores in my house. In typical me fashion I got my feelings hurt and dwelled on those few words.  After they sat in my mind and on my heart for 24 hours. I went directly to B and lamented on everything that I do on a daily basis.  How hard that I work and all the hats I wear everyday and I made sure to tell him that those chores were undone because I couldn't fathom actually getting anything else accomplished every day with all the experiences our daughter was having and all the deals I was closing at work.  So yeah  that was a fun end to our weekend.

This morning I woke with resolve to keep a better house I made my to do list and in my Cozi app .  I did my mandatory two loads of laundry and organized my pantry.  I made dinner for tonight and I even closed a deal.  I also took sometime to sit out on my porch and I thought about my selfish childlike behaviour last night.  Here is the truth,  those chores weren't done because I chose to spend another 30 mins outside with L or I made a few work calls or B and I met our friends for a fun dinner out.   I don't think that the world will end because laundry goes unfolded for a few days. I thought about what I wanted our home to look like, smell like,  feel like and look like.  I want it to have personality,  I want friends to be comfortable.  I want it to be filled with laughter,  songs and creations.   In order for those things to happen I have to let go of my people pleasing perfectionism.  It doesn't matter if things aren't done completely if I am accomplishing whats important for our life! 

So as I had this epiphany I recalled the above sign that I had pinned on Pinterest.   My Monday prayer was to provide for my family a life  that is truly lived.   That might mean those clothes stay in the dryer and those emails go unchecked for a few more days. 

For some reason I feel the need to give life to my thoughts today.  I woke up earlier than B and LL today. I have found that my days are smoother when I have a few moments to just be me in the morning,  before I am wife, mama and recruiter.   Today I have felt, I don't know, overwhelmed maybe?  I think overwhelmed is most fitting and I am overwhelmed (in a  good way) by so many of my life's blessings.

 Its Easter Sunday and I am blown away by the Love that Jesus has for me, a love great enough to bring him back from the tomb.  I sat on the couch earlier with my coffee listening to old school Christian music and I felt in awe of my Lord.  At the same time I feel such conviction,  I think Jesus is moving in my life.  I pray that I am right and that I can be brave enough to see what that movement means.

We celebrated LL's first birthday yesterday and so many of the people I loved came to the park to celebrate with us,  I took a moment to stand back and just watch.  It was overwhelming to see how loved she (we) are and by so many. I can't get over the fact that we are surrounded by a beautiful tribe of wonderful people.   SO BLESSED

I was trying to find some quotes today to sum up how I was feeling...these were the ones that spoke to me.

The resurrection gives my life meaning and direction and the opportunity to start over no matter what my circumstances.  ~Robert Flatt


Easter says you can put truth in a grave, but it won't stay there.  ~Clarence W. Hall


It is the hour to rend thy chains,
The blossom time of souls.  ~Katherine Lee Bates


The joyful news that He is risen does not change the contemporary world.  Still before us lie work, discipline, sacrifice.  But the fact of Easter gives us the spiritual power to do the work, accept the discipline, and make the sacrifice.  ~Henry Knox Sherrill


Could life so end, half told; its school so fail?
Soul, soul, there is a sequel to thy tale!
~Robert Mowry Bell


Easter is the demonstration of God that life is essentially spiritual and timeless.  ~Charles M. Crowe


Tomb, thou shalt not hold Him longer;
Death is strong, but Life is stronger;
Stronger than the dark, the light;
Stronger than the wrong, the right...
~Phillips Brooks, "An Easter Carol"


Let every man and woman count himself immortal.  Let him catch the revelation of Jesus in his resurrection.  Let him say not merely, "Christ is risen," but "I shall rise."  ~Phillips Brooks

I so want to be a good blogger.  I really do,  in fact oftentimes while I am showering or putting the baby to bed I will have a stroke of brilliance and think to myself "I am going to blog on that" but then life happens and I sit down at my computer and have two million other things to do,  like facebook.  So in the spirit of improving my  blogging I am going to to try to post something at least everyday.  Wish me luck.  But today you get a list of my random thoughts this morning.

• We are starting a bible study series on Ruth tonight.  I am interested and I won't lie, Ruth has never been my favorite book of the Bible.  Maybe because I have always had it taught from the "how to catch a man God's way" angle. Prayerful that this study teaches me something and allows me to see the book in a new light.
• I had a friend who was very angry at me last year apologize today.  I am surprised,  I thought that I would feel vindicated, instead I felt sad to revisit the hurt and I was quick to apologize for the hurt I caused her.  Maybe I am growing up.....a little.
• I am taking time to be kinder to myself these days.  A special friend pointed out some good things that I am doing for LL.  I am try to rest in her words and not stress about the things that go undone.
• Speaking of undone.  Could I be any more behind right now?   I have a to do list and I am checking it off and adding to it faster than I can turn around.  Instead of stressing out,  I am trying to stop every evening and give myself credit for what I do accomplish. 
• Even though I am behind I am trying very hard to take time to create. I want LL to know what its like to make something that bring happiness.  Even if its just getting dinner on the table,  I am trying to look at it as a time to bring some love and loveliness to my family.
• We went to the park yesterday.  LL loves to slide.  I am sore today from how many times I lifted her into the slide.

Maybe tomorrow's post will be less boring.

I wrote a version of this post on a private blog when my daughter was first born.   When I saw that Sarah was hosting a Practices of Parenting carnival,  I knew I wanted to join.  I didn't however know what I would write about,  I have only been doing this Mama job for 10 months.  After wanting a baby for so long I have made up for my lack of experience in my expectations for parenting. I had expectations for everything from sleeping to how my child would act.   Managing those expectations is something that I do on a daily basis. 



After so many years of infertility it still amazes me that I have I have a daughter. But as we approach her first birthday I am hit with the realization that I not only have a baby girl but a baby girl that will one day be a woman. A woman who will have her own dreams, desires and heartaches. One who may one day want to be a mother or may want to be the first woman president or maybe do both. She might want to play baseball or be a ballerina she might hate pink or she might (I hope for the sake of my decorating budget) love it and want everything pink.

I won't lie,  I was as scared to have a daughter as I was excited.  In my  mind I saw her all soft and pink playing with her dolls and tea sets and then I saw her in a Juicy sweatsuit with the words sassy written across her butt. The second thought scared me.  The world is so full of expectations for how a girl and woman should be and I  know how loud the voices of the world are in a little girl who isn't secure in her own thoughts and likes.  But it wasn't just the worlds expectations,  I have also had to take a really hard look at the expectations that I have for this little girl.

I have joked ever since we found out Lillie was Lillie that I had two desires for her, that she would love Jesus with her whole heart and that she would love to read. They seem simple and while I was somewhat joking I think that there are allot of merits in those desires and I feel like those are values that I can teach her as she grows. Obviously if she has an identity in her savior than she will always be secure, and books will open doors for her beyond her reality or environment. So even though many of these are positive expectations.  I  want to be sure that the expectations of me and others who love her are never louder than her desires and the Lord's plans. I want to be constantly aware of how speaking those expectations can effect her as she discovers her own passions.

She is so blessed to be surrounded by a tribe of strong independent women of all ages and all walks of life. She has aunts, cousins, grandmothers, adopted aunts and friends who will always support her. What an amazing gift that she has been given. But while I think growing up around women and strong women is so important for a girl, sometimes we allow a little person to get lost in the ideas of how we think that they should be, they should be a dancer, be a singer she should love to shop, etc. I don't ever want her to feel that not being any of those things make her less.   I try daily to tell her, that the things she loves are so good,  the songs she likes,  the books she picks out,  and the way she dances.  I want her to be confident in who she was created to be.
As I was rocking her and praying for her before her early morning nap I stopped and said a prayer for myself. A prayer that I will always honor who she was made to be, that I wouldn't impose my own desires or unmet dreams on her and her own life.  That I would take all of my expectations and give them to Him so that I free to love her openly. 

I don't know if y'all have heard but I have been pinned!!  (anybody else immediately think of the the song from Bye Bye Birdie? No? Just me?, hmmm y'all should really watch the movie, its a classic in our house, ok just with me, B acts like I am burning his retinas whenever he sees it on tv and forget about the soundtrack....that man just can't appreciate a good musical if its right in front of him.)

Anyway,  my Abiding post was pinned on Pinterest by good friend the Unsinkable Kristen. As of 2.5 seconds ago it had been re pinned 3 times and liked 2 times.  Now part of me feels a little bad b/c I didn't create that graphic nor do I know who did...I did edit the post so that nobody thinks I was taking credit.  But what makes me super happy is that I have had a good number of visitors from Pinterest.  In fact Pinterest is the number one source driving traffic to this blog as of yesterday!  yay!! But now I don't know who all is reading my blog and I am just being honest when I tell you that it creeps me out a little.   Used to I would know when I looked at my site traffic if someone I didn't know had visited.  Now,  no clue. 

So all of this rambling to say!  Would y'all please leave a comment and say hello?  I would love to make some new Internet friends so if you have a blog leave it in the comments and I will come visit you!!  This would also make me more comfortable with airing all of my dirt laundry to you in the future!

And just in case you are unfamiliar with the greatness that is Bye Bye Birdie....

I love love love the holidays.  I love the Advent Season,  the gifts, the merriment, the baking and big meals, the friends, family and time away from the office.  However,  I also love starting anew, reevaluating and challenging myself.  So the minute the New Year is rung in I start my game plan for for the next 12 months.  



 


 

I decided this year to join the Mommypotamus in the 366 project.   I have tried this challenge in the past and failed miserably but hopefully 2012 will be more successful.  Most of my pictures are probably going to be of the baby and will be taken on my phone but I will attempt to take a picture every single day!