The Simplest Truth

Many have written on this topic this month and many have done so much more eloquently than I can but as I sit in front of my tree this morning sipping my mint mocha coffee watching the Tiny Dancer play with her Little People Nativity set, the birth of my Jesus is heavy on my heart.

Though I have always known the "reason for the season" I am not sure that it has ever hit home for me the way it has this year. The last eight months have been a bit of a spiritual transformation. Having seen God honor my biggest request in the form of this baby has brought me to a place that is new to me, I have a wonderment at Him and his perfect timing that I pray will last through my lifetime. In the quiet hours of the morning when I am nursing my own little miracle I feel closer to my Lord than ever before. My emotions are strong and I am ashamed of my past doubts and hopeful for His future plans. My faith seems new and alive. In the same way I have been touched by my Jesus's birth story during this Advent.

Early this season we went to a local church's Journey through Bethlehem. As I walked through the dark path and past the Roman soldiers I could relate to Mary and her heaviness. Once we entered the city gates I was overwhelmed by the noises and the crowds and could only imagine enduring it last Christmas during my 3rd trimester. As we turned the corner and were faced with the Manger scene, tears started to roll down my cheeks. I held my baby closer and felt an understanding that I had never felt before. Oh sure, I have always known the importance of the manger birth but until facing childbirth myself I had never understood Mary's experience. I found myself wondering what her birth story was, and realizing that it wasn't anymore magical than mine. That Mary's story was so much more than that she gave birth to the Savior. It was her first childbirth and she did it alone with her husband and the animals. It hit me that she had a baby in a barn. She labored not with the comforts of a fancy hospital, not with the knowledge of her family in the waiting room, she felt every pain on the floor of a hay covered stall. She had her baby knowing that God had big plans for him and that he was chosen to save the world. It was overwhelming to me, I saw it in a new light.

The baby got really fussy as we approached the Cross at the end of the journey. So I left to go back to the car. I could hear the tour guide talking about the Cross but I was still at the manger and my heart has stayed there this season. As I have rocked and prayed for my baby I have wondered if my prayers are the same that Mary prayed over the baby Jesus and I am so honored to have seen the Christmas Story through my new perspective.

I believe as Christians we are called to live authentic lives before the world. We should be willing to be ourselves and to be open about the things that challenge us on a daily basis, no matter how it might make others see us...This has been a hard lesson for me over the last few years. I have a hard time letting people see my "weaknesses". I mean thats how I will show the world Jesus, right? I will show others how perfect my house is and how cute my kid dresses and how successful my career is, I will always be positive even when I really want to cry. People will see my perfect world and they will want to know Jesus. Wait, is that not how it works? Since having a baby and going back to work things have been less than picture perfect around here. I feel like I am constantly making apologies for being late, nor texting, calling or emailing friends or not getting to everything on my to do list. I quite honestly feel like a bad wife, employee, mom, friend and Christian. Oh yes, somehow I have always tied my performance to my faith. I talk often about wanting to live authentically and I try to be honest about past struggles. But how am a being honest about today's struggles? Oh sure I whine but do I admit that my life is challenging right now? Recently I was singing a beloved children's song to my daughter at naptime. The words stopped me as I let them sink in, "I am weak yet he is strong" This is why we are called to live authentically. Because in my weaknesses his strength is shown. So next time you ask me how things are going, be prepared to hear about the struggles and what right now looks like for me and hopefully in my words, you can see Him.

for Brian.
     I can't imagine living this crazy life or raising this tiny person when anyone but him.  I am so blessed that he loves me and all of my faults without question. I was reminded of just how lucky I am when when I called him at 4:30 and tell him that I am still in the same yoga pants and tank top that I wore when he left this morning and that I have no idea what we will have for dinner.  Do you know what he said?  He said "I can pick up dinner or we can go out and did you at least get a nap?"  Seriously?  I am so lucky.  This was one of the beautiful moments that I am so thankful for today. 

While I was pregnant I read Ann Voskamp's book One Thousand Gifts.  I was so inspired and I wept openly as I realized how unthankful I am on a daily basis.  Not only was I aware of my own thanklessness but I was struck with the images she conjured with her writing, how she saw the beauty in the dishes and how she saw beauty all around her home and farm.  If she can find beauty in the everyday chores than I should be able to see it in my own life.  I started writing down the things that I am thankful for but then I had a baby and was so busy tracking eating, sleeping and pooping that I haven't touched my journal in four months.  Over the weekend we were listening to music and rocking the baby to sleep and I realized what a beautiful moment I was in the midst of on an ordinary Saturday.   So I had a stroke of brilliance.  I will start posting daily something that I am thankful for or that I found beauty in during that day. 
I would love it if you would join me and do the same.  How uplifting would it be to see a Facebook status feed full of links to things that are positive?  

Please comment if you will be doing this on your blog and eventually I will get a linky up so that we can keep track!

One of my favorite outdoor spaces,  my parent's back porch

I did a fun photo shoot with the Tiny Dancer today and we had a wonderful time.  The sun was streaming in from the window and we laughed and giggled until she didn't laugh anymore because it was time to nap.  Its amazing how that little bit of sunshine made us feel better about our day.  I have missed being outside this summer and I have found myself longing for an outdoor retreat.  I have a backyard but its brown and dirty and so very hot.  I have always loved living outside. We have a great patio that is perfect for sharing a bottle of wine, something that used to happen when my family lived here and before friends had babies or moved away.  I know that I have new people to sit on the back patio with but these days its too hot.  This whole summer has been an indoor kind of summer, we have even left the shades closed most days giving our whole home a cave like dreariness.  Next week Lillie and I will be in Florida,  I am hoping that some fresh air and time on the beach will restore whatever is missing inside me this summer. And until fall brings crisp air and the chance to break out the jogging stroller I will continue to dream about a beautiful outdoor space all my own.

Today I feel old,  my baby sister is 21 today.  She was the sweetest baby and maybe the reason I fell in love with babies.  I was 13 when she made her entrance into the world.  Unlike when I was 9 and Lori was born this time I understood the magic of having a baby. Even though I felt that both of the little girls were given to me by my parents I really felt more motherly towards Leah than sisterly.  The night she was born, Lori slept in my room we stayed up and whispered about this new baby.  Lori was certain that she would have a playmate and she couldn't wait to see "her" baby. I will never forget holding Lori after she was asleep and silently praying for my mom,  I couldn't nor did I want to imagine childbirth but I was still filled with wonderment about her experience.

She was smiley and easy going.  She wanted to do everything that her older 4 year old sister could do and from the time she was tiny she adored Lori Kay.  I can remember holding her in our living room while we watched Lori perform and Leah never took her eyes off of Lori.  She always clapped the most and cheered the loudest for all of us. 

When I got married and moved away she cried as if I would never come back.  The thought of her little 10 year old  face streaked with tears made me want to drive home for every volleyball game or other important event of her life. To this day I still cry when I think about how sweet my two baby sisters were walking down the aisle of my wedding. 

Through the years I have watched her become a beautiful woman, she still smiles and she still cheers us each on.  I love her laughter, her dancing and overall silliness.  I love that she gives her friends good advice and that she learns from her own mistakes. I love that she serves her family with the same cheerfulness that she did when all made her a mini servant of sorts.

I just talked to her today and she was out with her friends celebrating.  I felt old listening to them laugh and I felt blessed when she told me she wanted me there with her.  I can't be there,  I have to be here taking care of a new little baby, one who sometimes reminds me so much of the sweet little baby that I fell in love with 21 years ago.

So Happy Birthday to our families baby...I hope that you have a wonderful time and be safe!

Flower from my Mom's yard

I have been thinking allot about what it means to be kind.  I have never really questioned whether I was a kind person. I always have had empathy for those who were less fortunate than myself and I hurt with and for those who don't know Jesus.  But Brian said something the other day...Jesus said to love your neighbor as yourself and that means that first and foremost you are loving yourself.  Today I read this blog post and she made the same observation.

This is something that I have always struggled with,  I like myself and I am proud of myself but I expect way too much out of me.  I expect that I will have a perfect house and that I will be a loyal and dedicated friend to all of my friends that I will be the best at my job and my family will only eat the healthiest foods.  And that list is just a few of the things that I expect from myself on a DAILY basis.   So lately I am trying to be kinder to myself because I want my daughter to learn to treat herself with kindness. I am going to cut myself a few breaks.  Its ok, that I am not my skinniest right now,  my body has been through allot with Infertility and pregnancy.  I will do my best to be attractive and put together but its ok that I don't wake up at 4:00 am and workout for a hour. I will be proud when I manage to squeeze in 30 mins of yoga.  I went grocery shopping this week and I bought some frozen meals.  I tried to make good choices in the meals I chose but they are still overly processed and not the best for our health, however its better than eating chik fil a twice a day and its kinder and easier on me as I find a new balance with being a Mama and a Recruiter all in the same day. Some friendships have stalled, instead of beating myself up b/c I have lost touch I am forgiving myself for only being able to do so much right now, I pray that the kindness I am showing myself will carry over into those relationships and one day things will be back to normal.

I don't know why I felt the need to put this out there right now but it feels good to be honest and kind!

I know that watching Soap Operas comes with a certain stereotype,  one that I hopefully don't fit.  But my love affair with Y&R started when I was only 13 years old. I can guarantee you that my parents would have never allowed a soap opera on at our house but I worked at my Dad's office and sometimes when he was with patients I would sit in the back office and watch Y&R.  I had my own tv in high school and would watch it after school while I got ready for work.  By college I tried to make sure I could at least walk through the UC during Y&R, that way if I didn't get to watch the whole show there would be someone there to fill me in on the happenings in Genoa City.  After watching a particularly riveting episode yesterday I decided to defend (um, I mean list) some of my reasons for loving this show.

• Clothes: Evening wear at all hours of the day....these people go to their glamorous jobs in the global cosmetic industry or in the fashion/gossip mag in the sparkeliest outfits to ever see daytime.  What? You don't think that a short sequined backless gown is proper attire for corporate meeting.
• Careers:  In Genoa City they work very few hours in a given day,  often times they meet at the Crimson Lights Coffee shop in the morning and then after lunching at the athletic club they  might make it into the office around dark...maybe that's why they wear evening gowns!
• DNA Tests:   DNA tests are never so used as they are on Y&R.  Every character has a missing son or daughter,  everybody has a secret child that was stolen, presumed dead or given up for adoption and the father of most pregnancies is always in question.   Many episodes are spent wondering what the results will be from the plain manila envelop.
• Plastic Surgery:  In GC it is very commonplace for your mortal enemy to have plastic surgery to look just like somebody you trust and love.  Also,  please don't ever assume someone is dead ,plastic surgery allows even the deadest person to alter their appearance and return to the story line at any given time.
• Ageing: In GC Adults always stay at a nice mid 30 age range as their children skip elementary school and head straight into high school where the drama starts to unfold in their own life.  Once they are established as their own character they are shipped off to a foreign country or they join the Peace corps and are often assumed dead until they can return in their mid twenties and start an affair with their stepfathers ex-wife who was present at their baptism 2 seasons ago.

If this little list didn't make you want to set your DVR for Y&R tomorrow than you are clearly a grounded mature adult who has zero taste in quality television.

I just gave this blog a bit of a face lift and thought that I might start posting on here again. I have really enjoyed the bit of blogging that I have done over at Lillie's Blog and I think that I might enjoy having a venue for my thoughts that aren't related to Lillie or being Lillie's mama.

What can you expect, you ask? Well, outside of my new obsession with my own Tiny Dancer I love crafting, exploring spiritual truths, practicing my photography skills, shopping, reading and all things domestic. So you can expect a little bit of everything.

and as any blogger knows, comments are half the fun so if you are going to read please say hello!