The Simplest Truth

for Brian.
     I can't imagine living this crazy life or raising this tiny person when anyone but him.  I am so blessed that he loves me and all of my faults without question. I was reminded of just how lucky I am when when I called him at 4:30 and tell him that I am still in the same yoga pants and tank top that I wore when he left this morning and that I have no idea what we will have for dinner.  Do you know what he said?  He said "I can pick up dinner or we can go out and did you at least get a nap?"  Seriously?  I am so lucky.  This was one of the beautiful moments that I am so thankful for today. 

While I was pregnant I read Ann Voskamp's book One Thousand Gifts.  I was so inspired and I wept openly as I realized how unthankful I am on a daily basis.  Not only was I aware of my own thanklessness but I was struck with the images she conjured with her writing, how she saw the beauty in the dishes and how she saw beauty all around her home and farm.  If she can find beauty in the everyday chores than I should be able to see it in my own life.  I started writing down the things that I am thankful for but then I had a baby and was so busy tracking eating, sleeping and pooping that I haven't touched my journal in four months.  Over the weekend we were listening to music and rocking the baby to sleep and I realized what a beautiful moment I was in the midst of on an ordinary Saturday.   So I had a stroke of brilliance.  I will start posting daily something that I am thankful for or that I found beauty in during that day. 
I would love it if you would join me and do the same.  How uplifting would it be to see a Facebook status feed full of links to things that are positive?  

Please comment if you will be doing this on your blog and eventually I will get a linky up so that we can keep track!

One of my favorite outdoor spaces,  my parent's back porch

I did a fun photo shoot with the Tiny Dancer today and we had a wonderful time.  The sun was streaming in from the window and we laughed and giggled until she didn't laugh anymore because it was time to nap.  Its amazing how that little bit of sunshine made us feel better about our day.  I have missed being outside this summer and I have found myself longing for an outdoor retreat.  I have a backyard but its brown and dirty and so very hot.  I have always loved living outside. We have a great patio that is perfect for sharing a bottle of wine, something that used to happen when my family lived here and before friends had babies or moved away.  I know that I have new people to sit on the back patio with but these days its too hot.  This whole summer has been an indoor kind of summer, we have even left the shades closed most days giving our whole home a cave like dreariness.  Next week Lillie and I will be in Florida,  I am hoping that some fresh air and time on the beach will restore whatever is missing inside me this summer. And until fall brings crisp air and the chance to break out the jogging stroller I will continue to dream about a beautiful outdoor space all my own.

Today I feel old,  my baby sister is 21 today.  She was the sweetest baby and maybe the reason I fell in love with babies.  I was 13 when she made her entrance into the world.  Unlike when I was 9 and Lori was born this time I understood the magic of having a baby. Even though I felt that both of the little girls were given to me by my parents I really felt more motherly towards Leah than sisterly.  The night she was born, Lori slept in my room we stayed up and whispered about this new baby.  Lori was certain that she would have a playmate and she couldn't wait to see "her" baby. I will never forget holding Lori after she was asleep and silently praying for my mom,  I couldn't nor did I want to imagine childbirth but I was still filled with wonderment about her experience.

She was smiley and easy going.  She wanted to do everything that her older 4 year old sister could do and from the time she was tiny she adored Lori Kay.  I can remember holding her in our living room while we watched Lori perform and Leah never took her eyes off of Lori.  She always clapped the most and cheered the loudest for all of us. 

When I got married and moved away she cried as if I would never come back.  The thought of her little 10 year old  face streaked with tears made me want to drive home for every volleyball game or other important event of her life. To this day I still cry when I think about how sweet my two baby sisters were walking down the aisle of my wedding. 

Through the years I have watched her become a beautiful woman, she still smiles and she still cheers us each on.  I love her laughter, her dancing and overall silliness.  I love that she gives her friends good advice and that she learns from her own mistakes. I love that she serves her family with the same cheerfulness that she did when all made her a mini servant of sorts.

I just talked to her today and she was out with her friends celebrating.  I felt old listening to them laugh and I felt blessed when she told me she wanted me there with her.  I can't be there,  I have to be here taking care of a new little baby, one who sometimes reminds me so much of the sweet little baby that I fell in love with 21 years ago.

So Happy Birthday to our families baby...I hope that you have a wonderful time and be safe!

Flower from my Mom's yard

I have been thinking allot about what it means to be kind.  I have never really questioned whether I was a kind person. I always have had empathy for those who were less fortunate than myself and I hurt with and for those who don't know Jesus.  But Brian said something the other day...Jesus said to love your neighbor as yourself and that means that first and foremost you are loving yourself.  Today I read this blog post and she made the same observation.

This is something that I have always struggled with,  I like myself and I am proud of myself but I expect way too much out of me.  I expect that I will have a perfect house and that I will be a loyal and dedicated friend to all of my friends that I will be the best at my job and my family will only eat the healthiest foods.  And that list is just a few of the things that I expect from myself on a DAILY basis.   So lately I am trying to be kinder to myself because I want my daughter to learn to treat herself with kindness. I am going to cut myself a few breaks.  Its ok, that I am not my skinniest right now,  my body has been through allot with Infertility and pregnancy.  I will do my best to be attractive and put together but its ok that I don't wake up at 4:00 am and workout for a hour. I will be proud when I manage to squeeze in 30 mins of yoga.  I went grocery shopping this week and I bought some frozen meals.  I tried to make good choices in the meals I chose but they are still overly processed and not the best for our health, however its better than eating chik fil a twice a day and its kinder and easier on me as I find a new balance with being a Mama and a Recruiter all in the same day. Some friendships have stalled, instead of beating myself up b/c I have lost touch I am forgiving myself for only being able to do so much right now, I pray that the kindness I am showing myself will carry over into those relationships and one day things will be back to normal.

I don't know why I felt the need to put this out there right now but it feels good to be honest and kind!