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In my career, I work for commissions and it is always easier to stay motivated if you can see what your hard work could buy you. Back when I worked in a large holding pen of cubicles, I pasted my inspirations on the walls of my cube. I had pictures of my family, whatever shoes I wanted at the moment, and places. All the places that I wanted to visit. That way when I picked up the phone every morning I knew I was working towards the things that I wanted in life. One boss in particular really liked the idea of vision boards so about 8 years ago I created one for my office. This one was also covered in pictures of foreign cities but we were trying to get pregnant and my commissions were paying for all of my drs appointments so I added a big white house with a porch and in the corner a small picture of an interracial family. Because I knew in my heart I wanted to adopt some day.
I told B about my vision board and he suggested that we start looking into sponsoring a child through Compassion International. It would be something tangible and good that we could do with our commissions while we waited out drs. appointments and diagnosis. So we sponsored two four year olds. A little boy from Uganda and a little girl from the Dominican Republic. They were adorable, chubby and from their pictures full of sass. I was in love. I wrote them often and I loved getting their cards and notes. Our sweet little boy even wrote to tell us that he was praying that we could have a baby in our family. I sent them pictures of us and our dogs and once LL arrived I sent them both announcements.
But once she got here, I didn't write as often. Oh I think about them and Pray for them but I struggle with what to say in a letter to two children who aren't afforded what our little girl is given in life. I don't know what to say or how to say it, I feel like as they get older and I get more distant that they just see me as an American trying to appease my conscious as I live an affluent life compared to theirs and send Compassion a check every month. I also struggle with guilt because I have forgotten birthdays and Christmas. I have become so invested in raising LL that they have been pushed aside. How do I rectify this? Do I apologize. They aren't babies anymore, and I wonder how they perceive me but more importantly how do they perceive Jesus. Have I shown them enough Jesus?
And then I have to look at myself. Having the money drafted daily is easy, why am I stopping at the hard part? Why can't I invest more into these two little lives? I let the monthly check appease my conscious when I know that I should be doing more and if not with my two little people than more in my community. Honestly, I know that my monthly money is providing these kids with an education and allowing them to be surrounded by those that love Jesus, but I am not getting the blessings by stopping at just writing a check. I need to invest more and I am going to be praying about how I can be a better example of my Jesus.
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