Worshiping without tears

A few weeks ago we made the decision to make an effort to be regular church attenders again.  You see, we had a baby and we have never left that baby in the nursery.  She loves the praise and worship but once the preaching started she was done and I spent the majority of the service in the nursing room.  Then she outgrew that,  I knew that it was time for the nursery when I had her in the nursing room and she yelled hi at every person walking past the two way mirror.  She was so loud that a  friend in the service heard her and recognized her without knowing we were at that service. So we took her to the nursery where she saw her friends and had a great time and for the first time in over 6 years I worshipped without the distraction of a baby or the longing for a baby.

 I don't know that I have truly every put into words how my infertility affected my spiritual life,  how it caused me to spend every moment worshipping with tears running down my face.  How I felt angry, hopeful and devastated all at the same time.  How I cried out for answers but begged to trust in His timing.  How I couldn't really dream or pray for direction because this big unanswered prayer loomed between me and God.    I don't think I have articulated it because I didn't realize it was there until it was gone.  I know now that I am different and it was that grieving that caused my heart to change.

Now that I am coming out of my first year as a parent I am starting to dream a little and voice some of my other desires.   Because of my infertility I know that whatever He has planned it will truly be HIS best for me.  I stood in service the other day feeling like I had finally got it,  that he used that big answered prayer to teach me a little more about Him.  To show me that true contentment isn't in having all the answers its in knowing that HE has the answers and I am just along for the ride and that the little bit of Hope that I always had was enough to sustain me. I don't plan on Him always answering my prayers in the way that I want but I am excited now for the future and for what I will learn and for the chance to come to him with new desires and new requests.  

Jeremiah 29:11

^10-11This is God's Word on the subject: "As soon as Babylon's seventy years are up and not a day before, I'll show up and take care of you as I promised and bring you back home. I know what I'm doing. I have it all planned out—plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for.