Hurt and Pain

I am not really good at putting my thoughts and feelings into words. This is probably really surprising to those who think that they know me best but to those who are often on the receiving end of my anger filled verbal jabs are not surprised at all. I tend to redirect my anger and hurt into other areas and then release them on those that are closest to me. Which is why I allow my work to stress me out. Thinking about work and everything that I can’t control in our business saves me the pain and hurt of thinking about what is really bothering me.

Anyway, I had a hard week last week. Maybe the hardest emotionally that I have ever had in my life. This time it wasn’t medication or my wacky hormones. It was down to the core pain, unlike I have ever felt (or allowed myself) to feel before. I saw myself heading down that familiar path of lashing out and being grumpy. I prayed almost continuously to have a content heart and to remember to love above all else. I treasured the phone calls from the women in my life and allowed my husband to hug me and I truly tried to listen to him instead of getting frustrated. And you know what? God used this week to strengthen me in ways that I could not have even imagined. This weekend I had some really good quality time with good friends just talking and laughing. I was honest about the pain I felt but we didn’t dwell on it, I cried a little and we laughed allot. We spent time outside. I slept in and heard a wonderful sermon. For the first time I didn’t shy away and pretend that I was ok but in spite of it I feel strong and sure of our future. This whole process is painful but I know that in the end “He has a plan for me and its His best for me” Jer. 29:11.